


Nowadays

by VixxFixxion



Category: STARLIGHT - Fandom, VIXX, Vixx Starlight, byulbit
Genre: Anal, Angst, Canon, Fingering, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Masturbation, NSFW, PWP, blowjob, soft, touches on depression and panic attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:28:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21603013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VixxFixxion/pseuds/VixxFixxion
Summary: Taekwoon wants to share a milestone with Hakyeon, and now that his enlistment is around the corner, they can finally meet after one of his musicals
Relationships: Cha Hakyeon / Jung Taekwoon, Leo/N, Neo - Relationship, Taekwoon/Hakyeon, VIXX N/ VIXX LEO
Comments: 2
Kudos: 60





	Nowadays

**Author's Note:**

> Strangely this fic has received a higher kudos-to-readings score than all other fics i have, and i hazard a guess it's because it's neo rather than because it is that fabulous a read😂
> 
> Am curious to know if how i wrote taek's emotional state didn't sit will with readers so please leave a comment if this is true for you
> 
> Am on twitter sometimes @vfixxion

Taekwoon had finally been able to schedule tickets for himself to see Hakyeon.

They had been communicating of course, but meeting with Hakyeon was harder than he had expected, because even though he got leave regularly, he usually visited his parents, and when he did happen to have some extra time, Taekwoon would be busy.

Today felt better than ever a time to see him - because so much had happened, so much weight had been lifted off his shoulders, off his heart, and he wanted to see Hakyeon all the more because of it.

His letter to Starlights. It had to be done. He needed to explain why he wasn’t going to through to regular enlistment.

It didn’t matter so much the telling of the truth as it did that he had had to hold on to his truth so tightly for so long.

He hadn’t meant for it to become a secret. It really hadn’t been. It just seemed so, now that he had to bring it up.

He had thought for hours about what he would say. On the table, a small pile of letters and recommendations and signed certifications… all official verdicts over his eligibility for enlistment: not at all.

The finality could have stung harder, he thought, and he wished he didn’t find as much relief in the verdicts as he did.

Despite all the thinking, when he finally started writing, the letter was finished in minutes.

However, one of his first thoughts as he sat to pen his letter to his fans, was of Hakyeon.

He pulled out his phone, and texted him. He might not see the message for hours, or days, but he wanted him to know he had tried to get through to him first.

_It is final. I won’t be serving regular. Tonight I will be posting on the fancafe, Hakyeonnie. My first thought was how much you have been there for me. Just wanted to let you know before I post it._

He sent it. It felt easy to say, it was the truth, and such was the way he felt at ease talking to Hakyeon.

To his surprise, Hakyeon came online.

_I am off tomorrow so I got my phone. Come see me at the show next week Taekwoon-ah. I have two days, after. We’ll talk then._

Taekwoon smiled, remembering happily that he would be able to go. They texted quickly about arranging tickets, and he switched chats to let his manager know.

When he came back to Hakyeon, he had already left, leaving his last message.

_Because you always let me. Sleep well, Taekkie Kun._

Taekwoon smirked. If anyone ever really doubted their relationship as the eldest parents of the group, they both would be the first to acknowledge it, insist on it. Despite being able to relate and share with the humour of the others, the bond between them was different. It went a different kind of deep, and they often felt the separation from the others. It wasn’t even from having shared a long history together.

It was all sorts of things for Taekwoon.

It was Taekwoon needing to breathe sometimes, and Hakyeon making it so that he could.

It was Taekwoon getting confused by language and quick kids and their humour, by their cynicism and slang and brashness, and Hakyeon making a big attention-seeking gesture of solidarity that made Taekwoon look the better for it.

It was Hakyeon making himself the centre of attention, so that Taekwoon could fade out of the limelight for a moment and rebalance.

Taekwoon would seek him out after, try to find the words - and Hakyeon would link arms with him and steer him to the drinks table and insist that all they ever got to drink was coffee, because Taekwoon Likes Coffee.

Hakyeon was more than his colleague, more than another partner. He listened and watched and caught Taekwoon’s fears in his magical heart, and played out a story that would wrap them up and disguise them and let him continue to be in any given situation. Hakyeon had always known what to do, how to be with Taekwoon.

Even at his most irritating, Taekwoon couldn’t help but see that Hakyeon was caring for him - and he valued his friend dearly for it.

From almost the beginning, he knew their relationship was special, special to him because Hakyeon seemed to get him. He was his truest friend.

He didn’t know how to thank him at first. Didn’t know how to tell him not to bother, that he could take care of himself. But then Hakyeon would never really let him.

Taekwoon’s eyes narrowed with a knowing suspicion.

Hakyeon was a meddler, but not in the way everyone thought.

As soon as he ever sensed Taekwoon was trying to put into words what was happening, Hakyeon would distract and get fussy. He always seemed to deflect any kind of advance from Taekwoon. All he wanted was to convey his gratitude sometimes, but Hakyeon seemed to be unable to take a true compliment or thanks - so he would deflect by calling attention to himself in such a way that people thought he was meddling, being a busybody.

It didn’t stop him from being pushy, ingratiating himself into almost any unrelated situation, or incessantly trying to draw Taekwoon out of his seeming introspection. To Taekwoon, it seemed like he would do anything to distract people from really seeing him for who he was - a carer.

“Taekwoon-ah, why must you hug me for so long before bed, hmm?” Hakyeon would say in the early days, joyously, as he would step around Hongbin or Hyuk to grab him around the waist and pretend like it was Taekwoon who wasn’t letting him go. Taekwoon would look at him indignantly, wondering why he was being singled out for this kind of attention.

The kids would groan and whine about Hakyeon being so annoying, but the laughter in their eyes as they watched Taekwoon’s befuddlement and dawning comprehension of Hakyeon’s joke was pure and delightful.

He created the fun. He created the silliness. He gave them all space to accept Taekwoon’s taciturn nature, and very early on, the space to make fun of themselves.

Taekwoon had felt exhausted by it, sometimes, and a little confused as to why Hakyeon would make so much of an effort.

Then one day, when Taekwoon had finally begun to see some progress with his treatment, when finally they were seeing real success, when finally they were beginning to recognise the faces of the fans who were supporting them for so long, some stranger in the audience had said something out of turn, and Hakyeon had drawn the line, loud and clear.

It was then that Taekwoon, quietly watching as Hakyeon spelled out what the fan had done wrong to her face, with a kindness and a firmness that he could only describe as teacherly, brotherly, it was then that he had realised that Hakyeon was some sort of warrior, an angel, who had taken it upon himself to protect him, to protect them all.

Taekwoon didn’t tell him that he thought of that, of course, because at the time he thought it would make him insufferably bigheaded about it. He came to realise later, though, that Hakyeon would actually resist letting him acknowledge his care.

He also suspected that it would change the way Hakyeon treated him, if it became clear that Taekwoon was grateful for him that way.

But soon after, any surliness he displayed because of Hakyeon, became an act, was for camera. Was for the benefit of the others. He could see himself taking on some of Hakyeon’s qualities, and it allowed him to be more or less of himself on camera, without feeling like he was losing his most precious self to it.

That was a turning point for him, because from then on, Taekwoon was not only doing that because he had to, but also, because it was a way of giving back to Hakyeon. He too could take on some of that burden from him, he could play along so that Hakyeon wasn’t alone in the process.

If Hakyeon noticed he was reciprocating, he never acknowledged it. But Taekwoon was sure he had, because Hakyeon began to relax around him, let him be, let him come forward on his own.

Taekwoon felt himself relaxing and coming out of his comfort zone, letting himself show more, letting himself just be.

Hakyeon would tease Taekwoon about being a natural stage hog, always looking to upstage the others with his seething charisma, as he called it. Taekwoon would smile weakly, hating it, not for being accused of hogging the limelight, but for being found out, as it were. He would give Hakyeon a look, much like a child would glare at their embarrassing mother, but then he would smile, unable to hold back his own embarrassment, and he would notice that Hakyeon would love it.

Things became easier and easier, and they all found a balance, a camaraderie, that suited them all. Taekwoon could feel himself getting sillier and clingier, and he would nod when Hakyeon pointed out that it seemed like he was finally letting his true self show.

Then, pretending as if no one else was listening, Hakyeon would lean forward, and whisper loudly, “I always saw that side of you, Taekkie Kun, even if noone else did!”

And Taekwoon would stare dispassionately back at him as if his words were incomprehensible, and Hakyeon would beam and nod to himself, smug.

One day, when they had been travelling for some time, on the road by bus for their anniversary concerts, Hakyeon and he had sat in companionable silence, perched on the edge of their seats in some waiting lounge, their legs stretched out in front of them and crossed at the ankles, their hands in their pockets and their arms leaning warmly against each other.

Hakyeon had been staring at the others who were making too much noise at the station bookshop.

“Taekwoon-ah. How do you feel?”

Taekwoon looked at him, his expression blank.

“I mean, are you happy that we have come this far together?”

Taekwoon nodded. He was indeed, very happy.

“How have you grown, walking beside Leader N?”

Taekwoon pondered over this question seriously, sighing a little sigh. He had grown used to the way Hakyeon said these things. It always sounded grandiose, or full of himself. But he knew better.

“We have done well,” he said, simply. He saw Hakyeon smile and bow his head, staring at his feet.

“We have indeed. Thank you, Taekwoon. For letting me.”

Taekwoon nodded, wondering what Hakyeon meant, but not asking. If Hakyeon was fishing for compliments, or for Taekwoon to start a line of inquiry for some reason, he was not going to. He still didn’t like the feeling that he was expected to acquiesce to that expectation, or the feeling of falling for something, some trick, and it being Hakyeon didn’t make it easier to accept.

He saw Hakyeon look back up at thim, so he met his stare.

“You won’t ask me what, will you?”

Taekwoon just stared back at him. Hakyeon smiled.

“It’s okay, I’m gonna tell you anyway, because as you know, I don’t have any pride.”

Taekwoon nodded, serious. From experience, he didn’t believe that at all. Hakyeon prided himself on looking after everyone well.

“For letting me lead you, for letting me take over. For letting me be your friend.”

“It was gonna happen whether I let you or not.“

Hakyeon smiled at Taekwoon, then seemed to see something else behind his words, because he did a little double take. Taekwoon caught that look, and wondered if he had revealed something he hadn’t meant to. Hakyeon didn’t pursue it.

“Well then, you agree we were meant to be the best of friends.”

Taekwoon nodded. This was a truth.

“We will be leaving soon. Enlistment.”

Taekwoon nodded.

“Have you understood that the path may not be clear cut for you?”

Taekwoon nodded again. Many discussions with his father and his therapist had already taken place. His therapist’s main preoccupation was the physical strain of some aspects of training, including situations where he could experience breathing problems, claustrophobia and the stress of pressured training scenarios.

Hakyeon had lain a warm palm on his thigh, patting him for emphasis.

“As a person who has never seen the benefit of clinging to my dignity at the expense of others, or myself, I would like to tell you that there is no shame in not going. Not that you asked, but I just wanted to tell you that. You will always be our strong Taekwoonnie, full of love and kindness, always there for any of us.”

Hakyeon looked into his eyes the way he always did, birdlike, with his mouth in a tight smile that didn’t seem to reach his eyes.

Taekwoon always heard Hakyeon saying things like this to him, and to the others. He was used to it, and used to the growing feeling inside himself that yes, he was strong and full of love and kindness. He had often felt that Hakyeon was cultivating them somehow, growing their confidence the way a kindergarten teacher insisted on telling their children how beautiful they were, for just being born.

He just wished he could tell Hakyeon the same, without Hakyeon deflecting and avoiding it the way he did.

“So when the time comes that you need to face someone questioning your worth as a son of Korea, you only have to be certain of your own worth yourself, you don’t need them to be certain of it. Explaining yourself, apologising for yourself, is unnecessary. The right people will understand.”

Taekwoon nodded again. What he heard was, that Hakyeon was the right people.

Hakyeon softened a little, and smiled, for real.

“I might not be here with you when that time comes, so I wanted to make sure I let you know beforehand. You mustn’t forget what I said.”

Taekwoon nodded, and then they were being called to the bus, and they were on their feet, Hakyeon pushing Taekwoon ahead of him so that he could grab his shoulders and march him to the bus.

When they got on, Taekwoon noticed Hakyeon went straight to sit down, pulling his hat down over his face and settling to sleep. That was odd, because Hakyeon always took ages to settle, making sure the others were alright first, before withdrawing like that.

They had returned home exhausted, and less than a year later, Hakyeon was leaving, having dinner with the others while Taekwoon had his musical away from home, and couldn’t go.

They said goodbye over the phone, and since then, spoke by text and learned of each other through news.

Except for an outing or two where he and Ken visited near his barracks, they now hadn’t seen each other in over two months.

Taekwoon was happy, happy that he had been able to go through the moment that Hakyeon had tried to prepare him for, and that he would be able to see him, and tell him about it.

His happiness was certainly deep, for the feeling, almost of elation, stayed with him throughout the next day, and vestiges of it remained even on the next, when he awoke late and got dressed in time for the manager and the car to pick him up, the present he had prepared all ready by the door for him to take on the way out.

They ate on the way, and were made doubly happy that he could move freely in the crowd, despite the small ripples of excitement his presence caused.

The musical was heartbreaking, and Hakyeon, stoic and handsome, was devastatingly beautiful to watch, even under that long-necked buzzcut, his voice, one of Taekwoon’s favourite voices, clear and gentle and strong all at once.

When he finally saw Hakyeon backstage, he was elated to find that he looked straight at him when he walked in, and smiled with such joy, and they hugged warmly, and he couldn’t stop grinning.

Of course, they took pictures and made quick small talk because Hakyeon had to get on the bus back to his posting. But before he left, he whispered in Taekwoon’s ear.

“It was nice to know you were in the audience, Taekwoonnie,” his breath tickling at Taekwoon’s earlobe.

Taekwoon smiled, gripping Hakyeon’s arm and nodding, not knowing what to say. Hakyeon smoothly pulled back and kept talking.

“I am off tomorrow for a couple of days, let’s meet in the afternoon!”

Taekwoon nodded again, and he realised he hadn’t stopped smiling.

“I’m so happy to see you again, Hakyeonnie. You don’t know how happy I am” he said, his eyes sparkling. Hakyeon looked pleasantly surprised, perhaps by this sentimental mood, perhaps by Taekwoon’s statement.

“I only got you a little present, because if I got a big one I know you would share it, so I got you a small one because I only want you to have it,” Taekwoon said, trying to be heard over the noise backstage. He looked at Hakyeon with glee, knowing he would appreciate the handmade artisan’s chocolate he had bought for him.

Hakyeon huffed, making a great show of peering into the little black bag at the tiny and over-decorated box in the bottom. Taekwoon loved that he was staring at it for so long, and he giggled at how silly and stingy it made him seem, to have gotten him such a meagre present.

“It’s pine-smoked with jeju tea, have you ever had that? I know you like tea,” Taekwoon said, looking into the bag with Hakyeon. Hakyeon nodded.

“And pine. Just what I like, Taekwoonnie,” he said, looking at him softly. Then someone bumped into Taekwoon and the moment was over, and they hugged quickly as Hakyeon was called to leave.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Come get me, okay?” Hakyeon smiled, searching Taekwoon’s face for a moment. Then, he was gone, carrying his little baggy with him.

Taekwoon left with his manager, and when he suggested dinner, the manager declined politely. So he asked to be dropped off at home, and he ordered food in.

It would have been nice to spend some time out after the show, even better if it could have been with Hakyeon, so that he could feel that rush of having seen something beautiful, and share in the company of someone who had had a hand in making it.

Going out for a late supper with friends when most of the city was either going home or going clubbing, seemed to Taekwoon to be one of life’s most lovely pleasures. The city air seemed crisper and clearer now in the autumn night chill, and it would have been just… perfect.

But instead he made do with some television, thinking that a night in alone was also a city-dweller’s pleasure, and there was a sort of glamour in being lonely in a high-rise, looking out over the glittering city and river.

He didn’t often feel the melancholy of the night nowadays, but after having had such a wonderful day, and having seen Hakyeon at last, by contrast he felt cheerless and alone in his little apartment.

He peered into the night sky at the moon that lay just above the skyline, thinking on the vagaries of his condition, where it sometimes seemed that the only constant he really had when it came to his state was the proper and timely consumption of his meds. He had come to rely on them less and less, and really, he knew that he had more control over it than his dependence on medication, but sometimes found being lost in the moment also meant forgetting that he needed to care for himself that way.

It wasn’t so much that he couldn’t predict the onset of any attacks or certain states of mind - it’s just that sometimes he could see it coming, and other times it was upon him before he knew it. Sometimes it was as vague as a mood, other times, he needed to withdraw urgently from a situation. Nowadays, it didn’t alarm him so much as tire him, and not just physically.

He longed for a time when he could feel completely at ease with himself.

Sometimes, he felt completely wrung out, and the feeling could last for weeks. Other times, it was like a feeling that left as soon as he stopped thinking about it. He knew it was partly the chemistry of his brain, and partly how he related to his world, and whilst his prescription and therapy helped him mediate and maintain, it didn’t really offer him a solution or cure. That was something he felt he was still figuring out - and might have said he had, if he didn’t feel that attacks could be so random at times.

Tonight he sensed a sombreness hanging over him, but was cognisant that there were several factors that were contributing to his mood - like the full day, followed by the empty night. He had much to anticipate in the morning, and decided that what he was feeling was perhaps something most people would feel after a day of elation like his, and that he didn’t need to worry about it any more than usual, or consider any extra doses, before he slept.

He went to bed, deliberately putting his phone away, turning down the light and picking up a book, playing some ambient and nondescript sounds.

It was enough to distract him, and he fell asleep before he knew it.

**

Before he even awoke again, Taekwoon was feeling sharp disappointment.

He could tell it wasn’t long since he had fallen asleep - he spied the moon a little higher and brighter now, having traversed the sky to the other side of his window. He felt wide awake, but he shut his eyes and tried not to move, hoping he could fall back into slumber again.

It was a little cooler nowadays, and he was in his soft sleeping clothes, the air conditioning off for the first time since he started using it again in the summer.

The silence was too loud. He could hear himself breathing. Could feel his heart beating, almost as if it were in his throat. The physical sensations coupled with his irritation at having awoken like this instead of sleeping through, created a dissatisfaction in his body, that was both physical and mental.

He turned onto his back, his closed eyes sensing the light outside from the streets below. Finally, he gave in to his sleeplessness and opened them, staring up out of his window into the moody sky that was lit from below by the glow of the city.

He folded one arm behind the back of his head and neck, and distractedly let the other stroke softly up and down his torso, gentle feathery movements that were rhythmic and comforting, his eyes staring glassily at the sky.

His fingertips strayed a little too low on his torso, and he felt the tickle in his skin reach down, through some network of nerves, til he felt a tingle in his toes. One more sweep up and then down, and this time, he let his hand slip under the covers and into the top of his pants, where he gently took himself in his hand and let his fingers run softly along his length. It was something comforting, just the stroking of skin, the cradling of flesh, as he lay there, finally the sound of his pulse in his ears quieting, finallyforgetting the count of his breaths, and finally, finally, relaxing into his thoughts.

He went over the evening’s events, and how stirring he had found the musical, how wonderful it had been to be able to watch Hakyeon on the stage instead of perform next to him.

He sighed, remembering the happiness they had both felt in seeing each other, and then Hakyeon’s quiet whisper in his ear and how his breath had been warm against his skin.

Taekwoon inhaled sharply, the memory of that whisper causing the tiny hairs to rise on the skin along the slope of his shoulder. As if Hakyeon were right there, whispering to him now. It was the imagined proximity, the breath on his skin. The sensations one had when one had someone put their lips so close to one’s ear.

How he longed to have a loved one in his bed.

His eyes fluttered shut, and his hand slowly closed tight around his shaft, which started to swell a little with the pressure.

He stroked himself with a light hold, feeling himself grow harder, feeling his skin stretch satisfyingly, until he was stiff. He relaxed a little, using his fingertips to stroke lightly up and down, every now and then slipping down to cup his balls and massage them, before bringing them back up to trail up to the tip, where he used a sensitive finger to draw along the slit, where it was wet already.

The lubrication heightened his sensation suddenly, and when he circled the top of his cock with that finger, it was so sensitive that his torso hunched hard over himself and he let out an involuntary gasp.

He couldn’t help gripping himself tight there at the tip, squeezing out a little of that moisture and letting it coat a part of his palm, so that when he brought his hand down the length of his cock in a tight fist, he groaned hard, the sensation like filling a hot and dry sheath.

He began to jerk himself off, his face a soft grimace of pleasure, his head throwing back, his grip firm, partly tugging and partly slick, until the he heard himself gasping, his moans tight and high.

He could feel his orgasm building, could feel how satisfying it was going to be, how wonderfully he would sleep, sated and flush with the rush of sex and orgasm and his body softening and letting go of whatever it was that was keeping him awake, just tottering on the cusp of sleep for so long.

In anticipation of his climax, he felt his muscles begin to tighten, his arm straining to keep the rhythm, his fingers keeping the pressure just so. His legs began to stiffen as he dug his heels a little into the mattress, in anticipation of the fucking he was going to do into his fist. The arm behind his head was pressed hard against his neck, and he wanted, wanted so badly for this to explosion to come, to blank out his mind, to squeeze out the distraction in his body.

Then, in an unwanted moment of clarity, he realised that he would come in the sheets, and that he would make a mess and he would have to sleep in it, if he didn’t clean it up.

Getting up to clean up was tantamount to giving up on sleep, and right now, he thought his main objective was to sleep.

He couldn’t let go of that.

He slowed, his eyes opening in frustration, as the thoughts pulled him back from the edge. He gasped, feeling irritation and the dissatisfaction of his ruined momentum run under his skin, right under the surface, like little tiny pinpricks of sensation that felt like ants he wanted to sweep away. His eyes darted to his bedside table - no tissues, nothing.

He sobbed, letting go of himself and turning on his side suddenly, bringing his knees up so that his dick lay between them and his body, rubbed and forgotten.

He always seemed to spoil it for himself, letting some random thought derail him like this.

What the fuck did he care if he slept in his own mess. He knew how to wash his sheets. He could have minimised the damage by fucking into one spot, he thought. He heaved a heavy, sobbing sigh, his lips pouting as he tried to stop himself from groaning in misery.

I should have just taken a pill and shut my eyes for the night, he thought morosely.

What had started out as a promising evening, relaxed and happy, had turned sour just when he was beginning to relax and enjoy his body.

After spending so much time living with others, having his own place brought him a freedom that he didn’t realise had become important to him: privacy. It had a cost though, and that was the feeling of loneliness and quiet which wasn’t that bad, except for certain times every now and then, like tonight, when a melancholy would descend upon him - sometimes with a gentle but persistent need for sexual release.

Sometimes, he would go through a phase where it happened every night. He would anticipate the quietness and prepare for bed with that in mind.

He figured a part of it was a coping mechanism, that perhaps masturbating every night was to stave off some desolate feelings and thoughts more than actual physical need. When he was busy, or even when he had nothing to do but was preoccupied, sex and orgasm were the last things on his mind.

He was beginning to suspect that perhaps, when those phases came, it would began with the seemingly ever-present ennui, but then as the days passed, as he orgasmed nightly and sometimes first thing in the morning, he would begin to see that he was anticipating the jerking off more than the melancholy, and he would sense himself come out of the phase, having worked it out of his system he supposed.

He was glad that he still had enough of something in him that he could recognise that his sessions, these phases, could not really ever replace his need for human contact. For love.

But recognising that also meant acknowledging how little of that he had, from anyone special. From a Someone.

He liked being around people, but he didn’t always have the ease that others did, of finagling himself a hangout session with someone just to have good company. When he had time on his hands, it was hours and days of nothing to do - and it was hard to find friends who had the same.

Inevitably, his alone time would turn into lonely time and then he would lie awake in bed, having wasted the day, and he would touch himself as he thought about how nice it would be to be held and cradled to sleep, and then he would tug and jerk and come, and sometimes it felt amazing, and sometimes it felt awful - and sometimes the feeling awful was the very thing that made him incredibly turned on.

He felt his cock jump at the thought of desperately jerking off, in tears, wanting, wanting so much to come, with no one there to help him, watch him or get turned on by him too. No one to share even that.

Taekwoon sighed, his breath quickening, the sudden hard coursing of his blood making him hard again. He could see this part of himself clearly - didn’t quite know what to think of it, though not disliking it. It brought him pleasure and comforted him. And he was sure that it was, as he wanted it to be, temporary.

He wondered how easily such pragmatic thoughts as making a mess and cleaning up could kill his erection, but at the same time, have the direness of his desperation make him excited. There was no big thing about it, everyone had to deal with messes. Some were happy to lie in their own sexual filth for days - but the thought of doing so felt incredibly wanton to him. Base. Animal.

Another thought occurred to him, that tonight it was the thought of Hakyeon that had started it, and that perhaps he was feeling guilty that he was thinking of his friend that way. He wondered randomly if Hakyeon had ever been turned on by the thought of something Taekwoon ever did, when he was alone and touching himself. Had he ever made himself come thinking of him?

Taekwoon had often thought of him, but only because the thought of a close friend suddenly performing lewd acts on him was a turn on. As were fantasies of the delivery guy from the local restaurant pushing him face down into his carpet after delivering a meal, or thoughts about the pretty dancer from one of his musicals, taking him by the hand and putting his hand between her legs, begging him to make her come as she tried to turn him on by exposing her breasts and letting him suck on her tits.

He realised it was the idea of physical desperation that turned him on - his own, and others’.

It was fantasy, something that only worked for him when he was alone in bed trying whatever it took to achieve climax. He didn’t have these thoughts at other times.

It didn’t feel too bad - after all, Taekwoon had never let any sexual thoughts affect how he interacted with Hakyeon, or anyone for whom he might have entertained such thoughts about, for that matter. He viewed it as just a way to get off. Fantasy. Horniness and desperation. He was working through some issues, he told himself.

Slowly, he felt himself calming as he distanced himself from the fraught intensity of his dissatisfaction, his hand playing softly along his hardening cock.

He knew he didn’t really have to stop. He could get up and do it into the toilet. He could get himself some towels. He could wank into a shirt or the corner of his sheet.

He was fussing for no reason. It was like a reflex, sabotaging himself.

The logistics of it was going to be messy no matter what. And he reminded himself that he wasn’t afraid of mess. It was just some part of him that did this to himself, always. Most nights when he felt like this, he prepared himself. Tonight he was caught unready. Something in himself that always seemed to appear, to needle him with doubt, or to make him lose his purpose.

Maybe it was feeling lonely. Maybe it was because he was in this routine where jerking off before sleep was a matter of course, but which was something that was becoming almost a crutch. Something to trick his mind into blacking out for the night. Sometimes he felt he was dependent on it, other times, that it was just another healthy part of him - but the putting himself off over over some trivial issue was, he realised, a way he sabotaged himself. Because the frustration he felt at himself for stopping was real, and it felt like nerves eating away at him under his skin.

He stilled, realising that logically, there was nothing that was standing in his way, except himself. His mind.

So if he didn’t mind the mess, and if he didn’t mind his lust surging over some thought about Hakyeon, then perhaps he could assuage the horrible antsiness that was buzzing under the surface of his skin, with a good, hard climax that could give him enough ease to let him sleep.

He stretched out his legs, taking his cock, already hardening again, in his hand as he turned onto his back again. His pants felt tight as they seemed to catch when he swivelled, and as he tried to loosen them with his other hand, he decided quickly to just remove them. Removing them entailed stopping and getting them off his hips and down his legs and off.

So now, he was naked from the waist down in his cool, quiet and dimly lit flat, and the thought of himself jerking off into his bunched up pants with just his top on sent a spike of pleasure through his groin. It seemed desperate and furtive, something he couldn’t do without. It turned him on to think of himself as so needy, that his own desperation made his movements urgent and aggressive.

In a last act of subversion, he tossed his pants onto the floor.

He lifted his shirt with one hand, then rubbed at his nipples alternately as he gripped and stroked himself hard.

His body was responding, and he arched his back a little as little stabs of arousal went directly from his nipples to his groin as he thumbed them one by one.

If only someone could be fucking me, sucking me and playing with me all at the same time, he thought.

Which made him think of Hakyeon between his legs and sucking him off with powerful pulls of his mouth. Hakyeon kneeling over him and forcing him to take his cock in his mouth. Hakyeon holding him close as he fucked him from behind.

He couldn’t help his body, those thoughts made him buck hard into his fist. Then Taekwoon bent his knees and brought them up so he could plant his feet on the bed, arching his back enough so that he could feel his ass spread open as his knees widened.

He moaned, letting himself be loud, letting his vocalisation intensify the feeling that this lust, this sex, was in the back of his throat, down deep in his chest, in his body.

He was breathing hard, his hand jerking hard, his dick dry, not quite enough lubrication from his precome, but more than enough stimulation and pressure for his body to come awake again with the pleasure that was simmering within.

The feeling that his rising pleasure was in the back of his throat, as if somehow his orgasm, which would happen between his legs, would also pulsate and flow there in his chest and voice and throat, reminded him of some of the orgasms he had had which had wracked his whole body, whether alone by his own hand, or with someone else.

He thought of how good it would feel if Hakyeon had his cock deep in his mouth, hard and hot and thrusting and coming down the back of his throat, and the surge of lust at the thought made him buck ferociously into his hand again, and he hurriedly put the fingers that were playing with his nipples, into his mouth deep, and began sucking on them as he moaned, whined, his eyebrows in a soft frown as his body’s uncontrollable wracking wrung a strangled voice out of him as he bucked into his fist.

His legs fell open as he cried out, whimpering, and turned his head to deep-throat his own fingers better.

Fuck if the thought of Hakyeon pounding his dick into his mouth didn’t make his mouth water around them as he sucked on them noisily, his other hand jerking himself furiously, and his dick suddenly becoming slick with a flood of precome, such that it threw off his grip and it was suddenly a little too tight and wet and hot and then he was coming, coming hard with a strangled scream as his come spurted thick and hot over his hand, slicking up his cock further and amplifying those throbbing sensations till he suddenly felt too sensitive.

With a sob he turned completely, putting his weight on his front and fucking down into the bed in a frenzied humping that drew out his orgasm as the slick of come lubricated the spot on the bed that he was fucking. The pressure relieved some of his sensitivity, and he let himself grind into the sheets, his back muscles straining as his torso undulated until his climax subsided.

“Unggh… UNNNGGHH” he moaned, his throat strained from his scream as he hid his face in the pillow, his whole body convulsing once, twice, then relaxing so deeply that he stilled, sinking into the sheets as if he were being pressed into them by some unseen, heavy, slumberous force.

Oh god. Oh god. Fuck.

His breath was coming out of him deep and slow, and before he inhaled again, it felt as if there was a long moment, a vacuum in his lungs as his whole body seemed to suspend, no pulse, no breath, no movement, for what seemed like a minute, til finally, he inhaled softly, and his blood began to flow again, and he was catching his breath, his body sated, relaxed, pumped clean of frustration and ants under the skin.

He felt sleep coming as his mouth hung open against his pillow, his shirt still hiked up under his arms, the rest of him naked, his crotch a cooling mess of come as his hips resumed thrusting softly, and his hands relaxed, loosening fists in the sheets.

**

When Taekwoon awoke, he was stuck to the linen and his body was cold and cramping from having slept unmoving all night.

But, he was sated and felt comforted, his mind a blank as he got up, refreshed, gathered up his sheets and headed straight for the washing machine to deal with them.

Those thoughts of Hakyeon that had wrung such ecstasies out of his body didn’t come back to him, such was his separation of his fantasy from the reality of how he thought of his friend. His only thoughts were of his impending meeting, and how happy knowing they would be together made him. It was as if some part of him, some familiar and sometimes unwelcome part of him, had emerged for a while, but now he was back to feeling himself, ready to embrace a day with Hakyeon, so very ready.

He washed, had some breakfast, and answered a few texts.

Before lunchtime came, he had texted Hakyeon, and they arranged a time in the afternoon. Taekwoon took the car and went to pick him up, and he smiled widely as Hakyeon ran across the kerb to get into his seat.

“Taekwoonnie!” he said, a gentle greeting which he augmented with a squeeze of his arm.

“Take me somewhere pretty and quiet, where I can reach out and touch something beautiful,” he said, as if he had had enough of bunkbeds and barracks.

It was a quiet corner in Gangnam that he took him to, a cafe and bakery tucked away in a back alley up in the hills, where Taekwoon could park just outside so they could walk straight in.

The cafe took up the whole lot, but had its own private, fenced off garden, where they decided to sit after ordering their drinks and snacks.

The streets were quiet, and they could hear the soft rustle of leaves and the gentle voices of people talking as they walked by unknowing on the other side of the fence.

They were alone in the garden, seated around the corner from the entrance for some privacy. Hakyeon didn’t want to be recognised on his day of leave without his uniform on, and besides, they were to catch up and didn’t want interruption.

Taekwoon, his previous evening’s frustrations forgotten after that deep sleep that was a balm to his nerves, stared openly at Hakyeon, letting his happiness show in his face. He leaned forward and put his elbows on the table.

It was here, with good company and out in the sun and fresh air, that he felt most himself, most free. Having Hakyeon in front of him filled him with a joy that seemed to pervade his every expression, and he felt himself gambolling mentally around Hakyeon, the idea of being with Hakyeon, the idea of Hakyeon being here.

“You suit the role so much. Prim and proper and thoughtful, but brimming with feeling that you won’t let out-“

Hakyeon laughed, his voice like chocolate mousse, rich and light.

“Is that what you think of me, Taekwoon-ah?”

“Hakyeonnie, between you andme, who hides their feelings the most?”

Hakyeon’s smile played around the corners of his mouth as he leaned forward, leaning his elbow on his knee and saying in a loud whisper, “I’m not playing this game anymore, Jung Taek!”

Taekwoon let himself look shocked, and they were interrupted by the delivery of their coffee and pastries, so that he couldn’t reply. Truth be told, he had no answer, since it took him aback to hear Hakyeon call it a game. Since when had he ever asked Hakyeon such a question, since when had they ever played games between them?

“What do you mean?” he asked, taking up the cutlery and laying out Hakyeon’s set before him. He handed Hakyeon his teacup and saucer, then poured a cup of tea for him.

“If there is one thing being in the army has taught me, it is that every moment counts. We have always been playing, Taekwoon, that’s all I mean,” Hakyeon said smilingly, his eyes warm and open.

“Playing games?” Taekwoon asked, still a little confused. It didn’t sound right, it sounded almost like lies.

“No, I said playing. There’s nothing wrong with playing, Taekwoonnie. I just don’t want to answer that question with words that make ideas and feelings and emotions fall into some solid fixed truth that they are not,” Hakyeon said in one fluid breath, astounding Taekwoon.

Did Hakyeon mean he had thoughts and ideas and feelings that he didn’t want to put a name to? Without any change in tone, Taekwoon suddenly felt the conversation was very serious, at least for Hakyeon.

“I asked you who hides their feelings the most-“

“And how could you expect me to answer that, Little Taekwoonnie?” Hakyeon asked, pausing to peer at him owlishly, his eyes kind.

Taekwoon felt a happy flush suffuse his body. He wanted to answer, but the thought foremost in his mind was how he loved pet names - and he loved that Hakyeon was speaking to him so affectionately.

“It’s just for fun,” he murmured, smiling. Hakyeon’s eyes dropped to his mouth as he pulled back in his seat to shake his head with a gently disapproving look.

“We’re all hiding something. There’s nothing wrong with some secrets. And some secrets should stay that way,” he said, using his fork to convey some cheesecake into his mouth before chewing thoughtfully, nodding at the little plate as if the cake was telling him how good it tasted.

Dimly, Taekwoon was aware that Hakyeon might have something on his mind that was colouring his responses with something like avoidance. He was too full of this bubbly happiness to explore that awareness, instead choosing to let Hakyeon deal with it or reveal it if it were so, at his own leisure.

“How long do you have before you start?” Hakyeon asked, taking a sip of his tea.

“A few weeks,” he answered, staring at Hakyeon’s hand as he set his cup down neatly. “Remember you talked to me about it when we were touring?”

Hakyeon blinked, then seemed to search his memories, his eyes looking up at the leaves above for a moment.

“You remember, when we stopped somewhere, and you asked me if I was ready to deal with it all?”

Hakyeon nodded, setting his eyes firmly on his cheesecake as he toyed with it. Taekwoon could feel himself bubbling over a little with excitement - the same excitement he had felt the night before, finally seeing Hakyeon after watching him be magnificent on stage, and being able to tell him how much he loved his performance - that same excitement he felt now, was because he felt as if he could finally tell him how much he appreciated him, because now, he just was able to, whereas back then, he wasn’t.

“That stuck with me, that you thought way ahead about something that I hadn’t even begun to think about. I didn’t know it then, but I know now that it was good to know you were thinking of me. It was good to know that while I was writing my letter. You had me in your heart, Hakyeonnie,” Taekwoon beamed at Hakyeon, feeling almost like a little kid who had realised how to make a parent happy with him.

He wanted Hakyeon to know that he had been able to go through so much, because of his belief in him, because of his solidarity, and that he was grateful to have had a friend let him know he wasn’t alone.

To his surprise, Hakyeon went still, a small, wavering frown skimming over his expression. He saw his eyes were getting misty, but he was blinking to clear them, his frown getting stronger.

“I… I just wanted you to know that I appreciated that. You have always been there for me,” he said for emphasis.

Hakyeon nodded, suddenly looking around for a waiter.

“Of course, Taekwoon ah, it was my duty. Water, please?” Hakyeon called out, before turning his attention back to Taekwoon. The waiter scurried over with a jug full of iced water.

Taekwoon’s smile wavered, and he waited for the waiter to finish topping up their glasses. By the time the waiter left, Taekwoon had stopped smiling. He had expected some resistance on Hakyeon’s part, but he didn’t expect to feel hurt by his cool reaction.

“Well, it was more than that. You have been a dear friend to me. Someone who helped me through a lot. You know this is something I would not have been able to say once upon a time. But I can say it now, and part of why I can is because of you,” Taekwoon said, looking straight into Hakyeon’s eyes.

Hakyeon splayed his hands on the table as he returned his stare.

“I just did what I could. I treated everyone as best as I could, became who I needed to be for… for anyone,” Hakyeon said, opening up his hands in a gesture that meant to Taekwoon that he was just another anyone, and this made Taekwoon want to cry.

It also made him feel angry.

“Hakyeonnie… why won’t you accept what I am trying to give you?” he asked emotionally, feeling like he was about to put words to something that maybe he shouldn’t be putting words to - just like Hakyeon had just said.

He felt horribly betrayed, not even by the words or meaning of what Hakyeon was saying, but by his tone. His measured, calm, dead-eyed tone. He looked like a bored customer rep smiling politely at a client or a customer.

Taekwoon felt somewhat mollified to see Hakyeon be taken aback by his emotion.

“Give me?” Hakyeon looked bewildered, and Taekwoon faltered. This was so unlike Hakyeon, to not get what was happening. To be quite cold, too. Taekwoon cast his mind back over their conversation. It was when he started trying to thank him for being there for him.

He had always felt that Hakyeon never really properly accepted any thanks or compliments from him, especially if they were not professional in nature. Hakyeon was so comfortable praising others that Taekwoon never really thought that he might have issues with accepting a compliment for himself.

Or perhaps, it was because it was him, and not any other person. Taekwoon realised that Hakyeon might only be like this, with him - and it hurt him to think that could be so. But thinking along these lines made it a little easier to understand why Hakyeon seemed so cagey all of a sudden.

Perhaps being away had put some awkwardness between them, and that Taekwoon hadn’t really realised that, and was coming on too strong.

“I’m trying to thank you, jeez!” He said in a joking tone, crinkling up his nose and giving him the side-eye. Hakyeon laughed, and Taekwoon saw there was a note of relief in it as he nodded, picking up his cup to sip more tea.

As they continued chatting, Taekwoon found himself wondering about how much Hakyeon seemed to avoid receiving any gestures of reciprocation from him, over the years, and now. It felt as if he was really seeing things in a different light, as if all those other times he had noticed, he had never really comprehended under the clear light of day.

It was strange to recognise that Hakyeon truly was avoiding, or being wilfully ignorant, and it made him feel that they were off kilter, ungrounded, even though they were carrying on their conversation as pleasantly as could be expected.

Taekwoon had been hoping today to convey to him how valuable he had found his support and friendship, but Hakyeon seemed to be just so out of reach.

He knew though, that if the focus was all on him, on Taekwoon, Hakyeon would likely be as present and as genuine as always.

“Can we hang out at home? It would be nice to have a visitor. We can order in dinner later. Let’s watch movies,” Taekwoon suggested, trying to sound as casual as he could. Hakyeon nodded, and they called for the bill.

As they drove to Taekwoon’s place, Hakyeon stared out at the shops and lights, murmuring that his parents would be expecting him at home later that night, so Taekwoon would need to send him to his place after they ate. They worked out that they had enough time for two, perhaps three movies, if that was what they wanted to do.

They stopped for snacks to eat as they watched. When they got to Taekwoon’s place, he realised he had forgotten the bedsheets in the machine, and told Hakyeon to get comfortable while he sorted them out.

He put them in the dryer after making sure they hadn’t started to smell for sitting in the washing machine for so long.

When he came out of the utilities room, really a little yard or balcony off the kitchen, Hakyeon was nowhere to be seen. Assuming he was in the toilet, Taekwoon went to his room to use his ensuite.

To his surprise, Hakyeon was in there, neatening out the bedspread, having put fresh sheets on for him.

“Hey, why are you doing that?” Taekwoon asked softly, going to the bed.

“Just helping, Taekkie Kun,” Hakyeon said, finishing and standing up straight to smile at Taekwoon.

“This isn’t the dorm Hakyeonnie, you’re my guest here,” he said, going over to take him by the shoulders and steer him outside.

“What were you doing in my room anyway?”

Hakyeon shrugged, going over to the window and looking out at the river.

“You’re a snoop.”

“I’m interested in how you live.”

“You know how I live, we lived together for years.”

“I moved out ages ago.”

Taekwoon smiled. That had been a surprise. He thought that after Wonsik, Hongbin or Hyuk would be next to move out. But Hakyeon had announced it suddenly, and everyone had been surprised when he carried it through within a couple of weeks.

Hakyeon turned from the window.

“How are you Taekwoonnie? Are you alright living alone?”

Taekwoon shrugged. The question seemed loaded for him, as if answering it might make him burst into tears.

“There are good and bad days.”

“I hope you bring your friends over regularly. You must make the house noisy every now and then.”

Taekwoon nodded, going over to the sofa to pick up the remote and turn on the tv. Hakyeon came over too, and sat on the ground with his back leaning against it. Taekwoon was happy he got the whole thing to himself, and lay down on it, his torso behind Hakyeon.

He could see Hakyeon notice his position, and he shifted a little.

“No, it’s okay, I can see,” Taekwoon murmured, laying a hand on Hakyeon’s shoulder to stop him moving away.

He quickly chose a Japanese movie they had mentioned wanting to watch, and they both became engrossed in it straight away. After a while, Taekwoon laid a hand on Hakyeon’s shoulder, and he noticed Hakyeon shift a little away as he turned to look at him.

Without speaking, Taekwoon gestured for the snacks on the table, which Hakyeon passed to him. He was certain that Hakyeon was finding his proximity a little uncomfortable, and he wondered if it was because of their conversation earlier.

Taekwoon thought again that the exchange between them had always been made easier when it was all about Taekwoon. As soon as Taekwoon tried to make it about Hakyeon, nowadays he seemed to shut down - where once he might have made light of it or become overbearing. Taekwoon knew it wasn’t just because Hakyeon had been away, because it had become like that earlier, probably earlier than when they had talked about his own enlistment.

Because he didn’t want the day to end without him having said his piece to Hakyeon, he realised he would have to speak to him in the currency he understood, which was to talk to him about himself.

Although he didn’t feel like he wanted to dredge any of the kind of thoughts he had had like the ones he had put to bed the night before, he wanted more to reach out to Hakyeon, to tell him well and truly, that he was and had been a great friend who helped him through some hard times.

After the movie ended, Taekwoon suggested ordering in for dinner, and asked Hakyeon to choose from the dog-eared menus he had stuck on the fridge. As Hakyeon called in their order, he went out to the yard to check on his sheets, which were dry.

As he was folding them, still warm, Hakyeon came out through the kitchen to help him.

“Thanks,” Taekwoon said, as Hakyeon took on the fitted sheet, a task which was always beyond him to fold properly.

“You asked me how it was living alone. I have to say, sometimes it can be bad, Hakyeonnie.”

Hakyeon nodded, keeping eye contact.

“If I’m not careful, I can stay home for days at a time.”

“It’s good that you’re usually busy, then, isn’t it?”

“Yes, and I am grateful that people want to see me, and work with me,” Taekwoon said.

“That will always be the case, which is why I think you will always be okay,” Hakyeon murmured, almost to himself.

“Well, it helps to have people around me who care,” Taekwoon ventured, watching Hakyeon’s expression closely. Hakyeon nodded, his eyes on the work he was doing.

“My mother and sister are always around. I see Minyullie a lot, and I sleep over with them all now and then.”

Hakyeon finished, and stood there running his hands over his square of folded sheet, smoothing out its surface.

“It’s just that I’m usually alone, and some days it’s just fine, and other days… I wish I had someone to share things with, you know?” Taekwoon said, hoping that Hakyeon would ask him to elaborate, to come into this conversation with him. He wanted Hakyeon to be talking, asking and analysing. He wanted him to be actively engaging.

He supposed he wasn’t surprised that Hakyeon didn’t respond at all, but just stood there watching his own hands smooth over the thick square of fabric he had folded. He was sure now, that something about their being together now after so long, was making this line of conversation difficult for Hakyeon.

“Hakyeonnie.”

He saw Hakyeon’s eyebrow raise, as if in query, but he still wouldn’t look at him.

“If you would rather not hear of it, just say so, I don’t mind,” he said.

Hakyeon took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders and looking at him, finally.

“It’s not that I would rather not hear of it, it’s just that… it feels like you want something from me,” he said, his tone measured.

Taekwoon waited, hoping that his own silence would prompt Hakyeon to volunteer his thoughts. He could see Hakyeon thinking twice about continuing, perhaps because Taekwoon was waiting for him to.

“I want something?” he asked, realising he sounded plaintive and small. It seemed to fluster Hakyeon, and he gestured randomly with his hands.

“You know, like you expect something from me,” he mumbled.

“You asked me how I have been,” Taekwoon reminded him gently.

“And you’re telling me you’re lonely - well, how am I supposed to do anything about that? How can I change that?”

Taekwoon was bewildered. Hakyeon seemed suddenly defensive, almost upset.

“I don’t expect you to do anything at all, I’m just saying how it is-“

Hakyeon blinked, realising that he must have seemed like he was over-reacting. Taekwoon continued.

“Hakyeonnie, I don’t expect you to give me any solutions to any of my problems. I am sharing them with you because you’re my best, best friend. I don’t know why it is, but you never let me tell you, never let me get to my point when I try to say-“

“Please don’t,” Hakyeon said suddenly, shutting his eyes as if he couldn’t bear to see him anymore.

“But, why? I just want to say that-“

“Taekwoonnie, I know what you are trying to say-“

“Well then let me say it!”

“No, we shouldn’t be here, let’s just watch movies and eat too much and chat about the others-“

“What? Why?” Taekwoon grabbed Hakyeon’s hand, pulling on Hakyeon as his eyes opened in surprise and what looked like fear. There was no doubt now in Taekwoon’s mind that he had been right all along, that the gradual noticing of Hakyeon’s resistance to his advances of gratitude were real, and that in fact, he could not tolerate to hear them.

In his mind, he had to say what he needed to say, even if he was somehow crossing some line that Hakyeon had drawn without him knowing, and whose reason he wouldn’t explain to him.

“Why won’t you let me say it?”

“What? What do you want to say?” Hakyeon was angry at Taekwoon, probably for trying to put into words what he had sought all these years to keep fluid, unnamed. Taekwoon took his chance, and the words came out in a rush.

“That I am so very thankful that you were there for me. That you cared for me and made sure I got strong. Hakyeon, I am so grateful for all that you have done for me - and I know how much you have done. How much you’ve-“

Taekwoon watched as Hakyeon seemed to resist, his eyes blinking away tears, his mouth clamped shut as he shook his head minutely… and then suddenly, suddenly it all made sense to him. What Hakyeon was trying to avoid.

“How much you’ve loved me,” he said softly, softening his grip on Hakyeon so that their hands fell and hung down between them, a light interlocking of fingers. Hakyeon looked down at them, his brows knitted together, his mouth downturned as he blinked worried tears from his eyes.

He looked forlorn, exposed, and Taekwoon felt as if all the dimness and cottonheaded thoughts he had had about Hakyeon disappeared, and in their place a clarity of understanding that made everything make sense.

He looked down at their hands too, and let his thumb stroke the skin on the back of Hakyeon’s hand.

“Why would you not want me to thank you for it?” he asked softly, figuring that Hakyeon was still processing how to handle being found out.

“Why would you not want me to know you love me? Why would you not let me tell you I was grateful for taking care of me?”

He saw Hakyeon’s lip tremble as he drew a breath to speak, but it was too soon, and he hadn’t gotten control of his emotions, and a small sob escaped his lips before he clamped his other hand over his mouth and tried to pull away. Taekwoon tightened his hold, as if to pull on him, but not quite doing so. He didn’t want to push Hakyeon around, but he didn’t want him to leave this conversation.

“Please talk to me,” he asked gently, his voice almost a whisper. Hakyeon couldn’t help it, he was crying, his hand still clamped over his mouth. Taekwoon slowly reached his other hand up to cradle the side of his face as he gently thumbed away tears.

“You’ve never let me tell acknowledge you, why?”

Hakyeon finally pulled away, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

“How could I? How could I let you tell me that, or anything… when I couldn’t say it back? What would I say, thank you?”

“Why couldn’t you have? Why didn’t you let me? I wanted to, always,” Taekwoon could hear the plea in his own voice.

Hakyeon gasped, rolling his eyes as if Taekwoon was asking such a stupid, stupid question - because having to explain why would mean that Taekwoon didn’t understand. Or that his reason was really not that important.

“You were going through so much. It was selfish of me to want more, when you were trying to heal. You still are-“

“I couldn’t have come this far without you. Of course others have been there for me, but you… Hakyeon, I could have loved you back-“ Taekwoon was startled by his own rush of emotion, and realised, really that what made this sad for Hakyeon was realisinghow much time was lost between them, dancing around this truth for so long.

Hakyeon turned and walked away, but Taekwoon caught up with him in the kitchen and grabbed his other hand and shifted so that they were facing each other.

“I love you too, Hakyeonnie, I love you so much,” he said, leaning forward to stroke his mouth against the corner of his cheek, nudging him so that he would look up, then kissing him softly through his tears.

He could feel his lips trembling, but they were soft and yielding, and he let Taekwoon kiss him tenderly.

Taekwoon pulled back to look at him, and they stared at each other, at a loss for words.

He let go of his hands, and stepped in a little closer, grabbing his shirt on each side at the waist to hold on to him there, and angling his head so that he could take Hakyeon’s mouth with his, a deeper, hotter kiss that made them melt against each other. Taekwoon’s hands slid up Hakyeon’s back, and Hakyeon slipped his hands round his shoulders to hold him tight, one hand reaching up into his hair and gripping a fistful of it softly. Taekwoon moaned.

Then he heard Hakyeon moan in the back of his throat too, and could feel his cock harden against his. Their breaths were quickening, until they were kissing fervently, their hands gripping and stroking, their tongues hot and thick in each others’ mouths.

Before he could help it, an image sprung into Taekwoon’s mind, an image from the night before, of Hakyeon with his mouth on him. He groaned as his body bucked uncontrollably, and pulled away, a little horrified that he had turned their passionate kiss into something hard and lewd.

He was surprised to see Hakyeon’s eyes bright with desire, breathless as he then looked down between them at their groins pressed together.

“Have you ever thought of me that way, Taekwoonnie? Before this,” he asked, still breathless, as he stared down between them. Taekwoon rested his forehead against Hakyeon’s.

“You’ve always been on my mind in some way or another,” Taekwoon answered, straightening up to look at Hakyeon as they held each other close by the waist.

“‘What would Hakyeonnie think?’ or ‘This would be nice for Hakyeon. No, Hakyeon wouldn’t like that’. Those sorts of thoughts,” he said, quietly, but then his breath quickened as he added, “And other thoughts.”

Hakyeon heard the change in his voice, and looked up at him through his wet lashes.

“Other thoughts?” he said, his voice low and thick. Taekwoon felt his heart skip a beat as he saw desire glow in Hakyeon’s eyes, behind those lashes still glistening with tears.

He leaned in closer, their lips and noses almost touching, as he said breathlessly, “When I’m alone, when I need somebody.”

He saw Hakyeon’s eyes flutter closed as his breath fluttered across his lips.

“When I touch myself,” he breathed, watching with pleasure as Hakyeon’s eyes shot open, his mouth slack, and the colour in his cheeks deepening.

Their eyes met, and Taekwoon couldn’t help himself, he ground his hips into Hakyeon’s moaning softly.

“Hakyeonnie, do you want me?” he mouthed softly at his lips. Hakyeon nodded, opening his mouth and receiving Taekwoon’s tongue, invasive and sloppy as he kissed him urgently. Hakyeon’s moan was low, growling, and he was thrusting his tongue into Taekwoon’s mouth and sucking on it, tasting him as if he were hungry.

“Taekwoon, Taekwoon, Taekwoon,” he crooned, lifting his hands to cup Taekwoon’s face as he kissed him with small, wet kisses all along the length of his lips.

“I didn’t think I could ever have this, it just felt so wrong. And I know you were trying to reach out to me, I know you wanted to - but I told myself if you felt anything for me, that it would be some sort of dependence or something, and I didn’t want to take advantage of you-“

Taekwoon drew him close, into a tight, warm hug, his nose in the crook of his neck, where he inhaled deeply.

“Thank you,” he whispered, understanding what Hakyeon meant, and knowing that, despite his own confusion at the time, what Hakyeon did was right. At the time.

But now, it was different. Now, there was no confusion for Taekwoon.

He let his hands fall away to search for Hakyeon’s and brought them up together between them, so that he could kiss the backs of his fingers.

The feeling of happiness that he had felt yesterday, the feeling of joy he felt anticipating being with Hakyeon again, all these moments represented what Hakyeon was to him.

And while he was late to Hakyeon’s truth, he was on time for his.

And perhaps he was not as selfless as Hakyeon was, perhaps all he could think about was how much having Hakyeon as his own would make him happy.

He supposed he had enough decency not to be crowing with elation in the face of Hakyeon’s regret, or whatever it was that had made him cry. Taekwoon hoped that it was more from relief or happiness than from disappointment.

He lifted a hand to stroke the side of Hakyeon’s face.

“There is no doubt in my mind that I want to be with you, Hakyeonnie. If you will let me?”

Hakyeon was always saying to Taekwoon that he let him, so Taekwoon was asking him to, too.

Hakyeon nodded, taking a deep, shuddering breath.

“You were right. I might not have been ready. But I am now, and I want this,” Taekwoon sighed.

Hakyeon gazed at him, processing some thought or another as he did. Taekwoon’s own smile faded away as Hakyeon’s eyes became hooded, and he leaned forward to kiss him ever so softly on his lips.

“Taekwonnie, when was the last time you thought about me? Like that?” he murmured.

Taekwoon could feel a flush rising, in his neck, in his cheeks.

Hakyeon ran a hand up his arm, and trailed it along his shoulder, up til he could run his fingers through his hair at the back of his neck, where he threaded them through and gripped his hair hard enough for him to pull Taekwoon’s head back a little. Taekwoon closed his eyes, the feeling of being handled like this sending a stab of lust through him.

“When I was touching myself,” he breathed, his mouth hanging open as he remembered how powerful his climax had been. HIs eyes rolled shut.

Hakyeon was close, so close, his lips touching his skin fleetingly as he spoke, sending flutters of sensation through Taekwoon’s body.

“Touching yourself?”

“Yes.”

“When was that, Little Taekwoonnie?”

Taekwoon gasped, a high little moan. “Last night.”

“Last night?”

“Yes.”

“After you came to see me, after you gave me your present and promised to come see me today, you came home, and you touched yourself, thinking of me?”

“Yes.”

Hakyeon kissed him hard, his tongue aggressive and probing, and Taekwoon moaned into his mouth as he felt his cock getting uncomfortable in his jeans. He felt Hakyeon’s hand reach for his fly and open it, pulling on the zipper and delving his hand inside to stroke him. Taekwoon bucked, his body curving as he thrust into Hakyeon’s warm hand, his cock slipping out of his jeans, wet with precome.

“And what was I doing to you?”

Taekwoon sighed as Hakyeon gripped him tight near the tip, then rolled his fist as he went down the shaft.

“Your voice. Your-your tongue. You- you were sucking my cock. You were fucking me- oh!!” Taekwoon shuddered, his mouth falling open with a cry as Hakyeon suddenly push on him to lean against door jamb and went to his knees and swallowed his cock deep, his hands clutching the belt straps on Taekwoon’s jeans as he pulled on him to get him in deeper.

Taekwoon’s body came alive with sensations, and he felt his hands scrabbling at Hakyeon’s shoulders as he tried not to let his knees buckle. He couldn’t control himself, his body hunched over Hakyeon as he cradled his head between his hands, and he was trying so hard not fuck into his mouth violently, but Hakyeon wouldn’t let him go, and pulled on Taekwoon’s hips in time to his rhythm till Taekwoon found himself rounded over Hakyeon, fucking into his mouth and straining not to go too hard, his shoulders hunched and his voice a low, moaning gasp.

It was exquisite, it was pain.

He was going to explode, and the sweetness of it was having Hakyeon’s tongue laving his cock, his lips and mouth sucking tightly as he pulled and pulled on him, til suddenly Taekwoon was coming, his come spurting thick and hot, his neck straining as he groaned and fucked and oh god, it felt so fucking good, and Hakyeon felt so fucking good and even when there was no more come his cock kept pulsing, and Hakyeon let him stay in his mouth, sucking sweetly and hotly, til he stopped thrusting, til he was spent and boneless, and about to slide to the floor, replete.

Hakyeon let him go, looking up at him with eyes aglitter with excitement as he swallowed.

Taekwoon went to his knees so that they were kneeling before each other, halfway out of the kitchen and in the hallway leading to the living room, and let his head drop to Hakyeon’s shoulder, sighing small moans of satisfaction as he caught his breath.

“Did you like that, Taekwoonnie?” Hakyeon murmured, his voice cooing and soft. Taekwoon nodded, his voice a quiet whine as he tried to answer him.

“Hmmm,” he managed, his eyes closed as he felt Hakyeon rock him gently.

“Taekwoonnie, my sweet Taekwoonnie,” he murmured, and it Taekwoon smiled wanly, loving how good it made him feel to hear Hakyeon speak to him like that.

He lifted his head, his eyes heavy from his climax, and looked softly up at Hakyeon and his reddened lips that he felt a dim smugness being the cause of.

“Hakyeonnie,” he whimpered, his eyes pleading. He could see Hakyeon’s eyes widen at the sight of him, kneeling, his flesh still shuddering from his climax, his eyes and voice soft and needy. He reached for him, his fingers delicate and sensitive as he clutched at his collar and pulled him close, his shoulders hunching as he whispered into his ear.

“I also thought of you fucking me. WIll you fuck me, Hakyeonnie?” he murmured, his eyes begging, and he heard Hakyeon mutter an oath under his breath as he arched his back, bringing his torso flush with Hakyeon’s as he held him tight and took the corner of his ear in his mouth to suck on.

“Here?” Hakyeon’s voice was a broken whisper as he felt Taekwoon’s hot tongue on him. He looked down at the floor, just a simple rug at their feet.

“Please? Please,” Taekwoon mouthed breathlessly, his desire to be taken spiking. He didn’t want Hakyeon to think twice, didn’t want him to over analyse his wanton lust. He was turned on by the idea of having Hakyeon take his fill of him, giving in to desire and losing all that carefully managed control, letting him be free and unconcerned about him for once.

He liked the feeling of begging Hakyeon to do it to him. He liked seeing Hakyeon falter, and the look of pure want flashing in his eyes. It pleased him to be able to offer this to him, and the anticipation of having Hakyeon thrashing in the sheets as he came made him hard again.

Hakyeon pulled Taekwoon into his lap, surprising him, and kissed him lewdly, their tongues rolling and their moans echoing through the hallway. He sensed Hakyeon was ready to step into this and give him what he wanted, his actions were less gentle than before, not rough, but firm. And definitely taking.

“Tell me what you did to yourself as you thought about me,” he commanded, pausing to pull Taekwoon’s top off.

Taekwoon keened. He remembered himself jerking off very aggressively as he wished that he could be fucked and sucked and watched, and he had put his fingers in his mouth til he had reached the back of his throat, and had gagged his way through the most intense of orgasms, imagining that it was Hakyeon ravaging his body thus.

When Taekwoon answered, it was in a rush, breathless, his cheeks reddening from having to say it out loud.

“I put my fingers in my mouth because I wanted your cock there. I jerked my cock dry because I wanted your hands on me- your mouth - ohh!” he gasped and threw his head back as Hakyeon took his nipple between his fingers and rolled it, his body jerking with the sensation.

“So we were having tea in the garden today, and you poured my tea for me with the hand you were fucking your own mouth with till you came?” there was a hard edge to Hakyeon’s voice, and Taekwoon felt his mouth water.

“You’re like a cat in heat,” he purred, his jaw slack as his eyes raked over Taekwoon’s heavy-lidded expression, down the pretty length of his neck, his fingers still rolling his nipple, sending shudders through Taekwoon’s body.

“Look at you, you haven’t even put your cock back in your pants, and you’re grinding on me,” he said, a cruel tone in his voice. Taekwoon thought it might be possible to come from Hakyeon telling him things like that. Hakyeon leaned back on one hand, so that Taekwoon’s ass fell right onto his cock, so that it wedged up between his butt cheeks, and he watched his grinding body with a bit of a smirk.

“What I would like more, watching your face as you come, or taking my fill regardless of your pleasure?” Hakyeon whispered harshly.

Taekwoon could feel his cock beginning to weep again as he ground his ass onto Hakyeon’s cock. Hakyeon was silent, looking down at his desperate movement with great focus, listening to him gasping, whimpering as he tried to get a deeper seat so that he could feel his cock in his cleft.

“I think I would like to see your face when you come. I want to see what I do to you, Little Taekwoonnie,” he said roughly. Taekwoon shook his head, the sensations becoming just a little too much. The idea of the focus being on him was too much.

Hakyeon must have sensed what the answer was, because he suddenly put his hands on Taekwoon’s hips to slow him, and pushed him off his lap to stand. Taekwoon stared at him for a moment as he offered his hand to help him up.

“Or maybe I want to fuck you in your bed,” he said simply, turning to lead Taekwoon into the bedroom.

They walked into the darkened room with the curtains wide open to the skyline. Hakyeon let Taekwoon walk ahead of him, a hand on his shoulder. When they reached the bed, he stopped them and stepped in close to Taekwoon to press his body against his back, holding him close by an arm around his front.

His other arm he ran across Taekwoon’s unzipped pants, his fingers rolling around his cock grown heavy and wet, and he began to stroke him hard. Taekwoon’s body leaned back against him, his head lolling onto his shoulder and turning so that he could suck sweetly on the skin at his neck, moaning softly in time to his rhythm.

Those suckling pulls on his skin were stoking Hakyeon’s lust, and he gently, gently nudged Taekwoon upright and forward, until Taekwoon realised what he should do, and leaned forward onto the bed, his legs planted and spread on the floor, his ass at the edge of the mattress, spread open and waiting as Hakyeon unzipped his pants and let them slide to the floor.

He stepped forward and put his hands on Taekwoon’s ass, spreading his cheeks and letting his thumb slide over his hole.

He let his cock, fully erect and throbbing, slide up his cleft and lay there, rocking his hips slowly back and forth and watching as Taekwoon’s back arched to the sensation of his cock sliding dry across his asshole.

He looked up, searching Taekwoon’s bedside table, and not finding what he was looking for.

“Do you have lube?”

Taekwoon nodded. “Drawer.”

Hakyeon reached over and pulled on the bedside table drawer, finding the lube and coming back to his position. He snapped open the top and squirted a lavish amount onto his hand. He capped it again and dropped it onto the bed, then split the gel between two hands. He was about to spread one amount on his cock and the other over Taekwoon’s hole, when he stopped.

“Do you want me to use a condom?”

Taekwoon was still for a moment, his head turned to the side on the bed.

“No,” he whispered with a small gasp.

Hakyeon gripped himself with the cool lubricant, stroking himself with a tighter grip now that his hand slid satisfyingly over his skin. Then he pushed against one of Taekwoon’s ass cheeks and with his other hand let the lube fall into his crack, then sliding a finger up from his balls, over his hole, and past it up into his crack. With each pass he made up and then down his crack, his finger placed more and more pressure against his hole, until finally, he let it breach, entering Taekwoon gently but firmly, one finger, then withdrawing to put in a second finger - all a constant, smooth movement that was controlled, like the draw of a bow across a violin’s strings as slowly as possible without a break.

Taekwoon received him easily, he let himself arch into his probing fingers with a breathlessness that charmed Hakyeon. The room was quiet except for the sound of Taekwoon’s soft moans and gasps.

He could tell that the alternation of the gentle fingering and the harder finger fucking were stoking TAekwoon’s pleasure to a height, and he was shuddering with anticipation by the time he pulled his fingers out and leaned into his ass.

In one smooth motion, he had entered Taekwoon and pushed firmly into him up to his balls, the sensation of body heat and tightness making him groan hard as he arched into TAekwoon’s ass, his hands on the bed on either side of him.

Taekwoon sobbed with relief, arching his back as well, and letting Hakyeon’s cock settle deeper inside him.

“Fuck, it feels so fucking good,” Hakyeon moaned, as he saw Taekwoon’s hand scrabble across the bed and reach back for him. He reached forward to grab his hand, which angled him deeper and deeper into Taekwoon’s body, so that Taekwoon could hold his hand on the bed right next to his shoulder. It made Hakyeon feel good to have Taekwoon clutch at his hand and hold it close to him so that he was pulled closer, deeper. They interlocked their fingers, Hakyeon’s hand over Taekwoon’s on the bed, so that Taekwoon could turn his head a little more to press his lips against their thumbs. When Hakyeon extended his thumb, so did TAekwoon, and then he was sucking on them both, his jaw working loosely, so that Hakyeon could see the lust in his Taekwoon’s face, as if he were sucking on cock.

“Fuck. FUCK, Taekwoonnie,” he bit out, his mouth watering as he watched Taekwoon’s pretty, closed eyes, his expression so wanton as he tongued both their thumbs in his mouth. Then, he started sucking, sucking like a baby would suck on a bottle, his tongue thick and showing a little out of his mouth, his perfect, fuckable lips swollen and pumping a little as his tongue created an ever-tightening suction.

Hakyeon could have cried, seeing his Taekwoon underneath him, receiving him in his mouth and his hole, and loving it. Adoring it. He began to fuck him firmly, letting his breaths be loud, letting himself be vocal. He wanted Taekwoon to know how good this made him feel, wanted to lose himself in this pleasure, in his body, in his soul.

Bracing his weight on the hand by Taekwoon’s shoulder, he let his other hand stroke down Taekwoon’s neck, his fingers stroking at his skin there as his thumb pressed down in the muscle near this throat. Taekwoon’s eyes flashed open in surprise and then recognition, and he began moaning urgently, his mouth loosening as he gasped, his face reddening.

Hakyeon realised in surprise that he was coming again, his dick caught tight between their bodies and the bed, coming because he was being held down, coming because he knew that Hakyeon was taking his pleasure. That he seemed taken aback that he was coming a second time let Hakyeon know that maybe Taekwoon wasn’t aware of this side of himself, the side that could be triggered by a firm hand on the back of his neck.

Hakyeon felt his cock convulse at the thought, and a stab of wild lust make him pump Taekwoon’s ass hard.

He pulled his hand out of Taekwoon’s mouth and grasp so that he could put both hands on Taekwoon’s hips, and could see his thumbs digging into his skin as he rode him harder, Taekwoon’s soft cries feeding his desire, until he could feel his rhythm tipping over into a frenzied, syncopated fucking where he could feel himself losing control, just wanting to heighten the sensation of Taekoon’s asshole tight around his cock as he pumped his hips erratically.

He sensed Taekwoon clenching his muscles on him, and it was both the physical sensation and the knowing that Taekwoon was doing it for him that had his eyes rolling back in his head as he groaned, his hips stuttering as his climax hit him hard.

“Uh, UGH, UNNNGH!” he moaned, feeling his jaw go slack as he grunted through his fucking - and then he was pulling on Taekwoon so powerfully that he lifted his hips off the bed as he fucked through his orgasm, spilling himself thick and hot into him until he slipped out and fell over to Taekwoon’s side, groaning and mouthing at the skin on his back.

“Oh, Taekwoonnie, OH,” he sighed, his hand running up the length of Taekwoon’s back as he lay spent, his eyes barely open as Taekwoon reached for Hakyeon’s other hand.

Taekwoon moved himself higher onto the bed and slipped himself into Hakyeon’s arms, his nose trailing softly along Hakyeon’s jawline and up to his mouth.

They kissed, softly, languidly, the sensitivity in their mouths amplifying the sensitivity on their bodies, their hands softly stroking each other, their legs lazily intertwined.

Hakyeon opened his eyes as he let Taekwoon kiss him softly, responding of course, but distracted by how pleased Taekwoon looked, his closed eyes pretty and relaxed, his mouth working gently as he nipped and sucked on Hakyeon’s, his sounds gentle sighing moans.

“You’re a baby,” he murmured, and was rewarded with a snort. But, Taekwoon kept on kissing him, not letting HAkyeon’s words distract him from his ministrations.

“I feel like I’ve learned some new things about you today. You know, fucking.”

“Making love,” Taekwoon corrected, his voice small but indignant.

“Is that what that was? I thought making love was gentle and explorative,” Hakyeon teased.

Taekwoon didn’t stop, he was still nosing and mouthing at him softly.

“I’m gentle and explorative,” he mumbled through his kisses. Hakyeon smiled, charmed by Taekwoon’s nonstop kissing and touching.

“Oh, baby, that you are,” he sighed, letting a hand run over TAekwoon’s hip and down over his belly. Taekwoon moaned, which surprised Hakyeon. Was he ready for more, even after that?

“Are you still going?” he asked, his surprise undisguised.

“Voice therapy,” Taekwoon murmured through his kisses. Hakyeon laughed softly. Taekwoon suddenly tongued Hakyeon’s mouth, sucking gently as he pulled away, before resuming his soft kissing and sighing.

“I like it. Healing.”

“Healing.” Taekwoon lowered his kisses to Hakyeon’s jawline, then down under his jawbone, letting his nose trail along his skin too.

Finally, he slowed, his nose in the crook of Hakyeon’s neck, there where his collarbone was, and nuzzled.

“You’ve always made me feel safe. Made me feel good. Thank you,” he murmured, sleepily. Hakyeon pulled back a little to kiss the top of his head.

“I love you, Taekwoonnie,” he said easily, having said it so many times before, but it meaning something more this time.

Taekwoon lifted his head as he pushed up a little onto his elbow, and kissed Hakyeon deeply. He pulled back, his eyes tired, and reached up to stroke Hakyeon’s face.

“I love you too, Hakyeonnie.”


End file.
